The Weakness in Me

SadAnimeSchoolGirl
Call it naiveté but, yes, I fell in love with you the moment you asked for a receipt. Call me easy but, yes, you had me at the first text message.

I had someone faithfully waiting for me but I chose to see you for a moment. We merely had shakes and breakfast but to me, they meant more than your regular ham and cheese. Call it childish fancy but I had been willing to admit that then.

When I left, I knew I had to make a decision. It was an easy one to make but difficult to carry out. I had to hurt the one who had always been there, and to think that hadn’t actually done anything to deserve that. I had conscience alright. But it didn’t much serve its purpose when you came along.

Pity sunk in and minced my premeditated lines. I chose rationally. In the last minute, I chose not to see you anymore. I chose being in control.

It wasn’t easy to forget you. Neither was it easy to forgive myself for committing the grave mistake of staying with you that night. I became a wanderer. Cynicism took hold of my reasoning. I understood boys and men and their needs too much. I played along.

I played as I imagined you’d play. But the men I played weren’t like you. I had wished they were like you so that there’d be few complications and so my honed cynicism won’t be useless. I had wished they were like you so they would be easier to understand and I’d be able to determine their plans easily.

I had wished they were like you so that I’ll find my happy moment again.

I saw you – the first in a very long time. Your face was different from what I had been imagining it to be for the past three years. I figured I might have been dreaming about an entirely different person. Perhaps you were just evil in my thoughts; perhaps you weren’t evil at all. I was ecstatic: I had found you and I had no plans of losing you again.

I realized over coffee and dinner that you knew me as somebody else. Either that or I had changed drastically over our years of hibernation. You were expecting a cute girl with sparkling eyes and a hopeful smile to greet you with a peck on the cheek. You waited for a burst of energy and a handful of stories. But instead of a laughing teenager clad in a powder-blue skirt and a peasant blouse, I, in my racerback shirt and denim jacket nonchalantly stared at you.

You even brought me cigarettes which I didn’t smoke.

You asked for the little girl whom you had been with before. I told you she’s gone and you can’t fool the woman that was me anymore. I let you know that I knew all about your hedonistic tendencies and the venom in your rakish charm. I coolly informed you that I understood all too well your needs and continuously implied that I didn’t want anything more to do with you other than be your devil’s advocate or perhaps a well-respected acquaintance, whatever you fancy between the two. You kept your hands to yourself and told me I talked too much.

You were wrong. I hadn’t actually said anything. In my caution, I showed indifference. I became the cold-hearted pessimist I had been since you left. I didn’t offer you my hand. Again, I gave you myself, but this time, I was wary enough to keep the passion and tears bottled up.

I blamed the beer for my nearly committing the same mistake. I blamed my physiological seasons for the abrupt withdrawal of my surrender.

I blamed you for everything that had happened to me since we parted and for molding me into being the b*tch that I’ve been since. I blamed you for my pains.

You kissed my words away and my world fell apart.

You didn’t understand.

I couldn’t bear for you to see me after that. But fate had a classic bout of humor. I had given you my heart willingly before but situations and my very own foolishness separated us. And now when I had accepted my defeat, fate gave me an outstanding invitation to see you again. Your needs gave you substantial reasons to call for me.

Call it wishful thinking, but I’ve always imagined us finally being together – with me unhindered by any worry, not bothered by spells of insecurity and fear. I’ve always kept my hopes up for an eternity with you. It became the thought that would keep me out of depression. I would entertain myself and whoever would listen with my wishful interpretation of ‘our’ story. But in my solitude, I knew I wasn’t part of your life.

I’ve long been deluding myself that you loved me – even for a single moment in our past – and that in the end, it would be me and you. And I’ve long realized that there’s neither much truth nor hope to those notions. I’ve told myself over and over again that I won’t care for you.

But you remain to be the indelible weakness in me. I end up giving myself all over again.
And you always end up needing me for a mere moment again.

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Credits from gesundheit of peyups

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Ikaw at ang Buwan

anime-stargazing

12:47am, full moon.

Kanina lang nasalubong ko ang litrato mo sa net. Nakangiti, mayroong sinasabi ang iyong mga mata na kahit kailan ay hindi ko nakita nang makapag-usap tayo sa parking lot ng Ateneo. Dun sa bench na nakasandal sa malaking puting pader ng kung anong building.

Makulimlim ang langit noon. Tanghaling tapat pero hindi dumudungaw ang araw. Baka nagsawa na rin sa ating dalawa, nainip dahil inabot na tayo ng isa’t kalahating taon ay hindi pa rin tayo sigurado kung gusto natin ang isa’t isa. Isang malaking kulay abong ulap ang pumayong sa atin, parang naghihintay ng signo kung kelan niya ibubuhos ang kanyang humahagulgol na ulan.

Kahit na tayong dalawa lang sa lugar na iyon, mayroon pa ring malaking patlang sa pagkakaupo natin, nagtataka na rin ang mga kuliglig kung bakit tayo ganun. Matagal na pala iyon. Mas maganda ka ngayon kumpara nung nakaraang dalawang taon, noong huli tayong magkita sa Ateneo. Kung hindi kasi tayo nag-usap noon malamang hindi kita ngayon hinahagilap sa net.

Sabi ko sa iyo marami ka pang makikilala sa darating na panahon –na hindi natatapos ang araw sa pagbaba natin ng telepono matapos tayong mag-usap ng ilang oras. Tanong ko sa iyo, “mag-ano ba talaga tayo?” Isang taon na tayong nakikipaglaro kay kupido, malamang siya rin ay napagod na sa pakikipaghabulan sa ating dalawa, nawalan ng pag-asang iakma ang kanyang pana at tamaan tayo sa isang kumpas. Pero walang panaang naganap. Walang nangyari.

Tinanong ko sa iyo kung gusto mo ba akong mawala sa buhay mo para maging masaya ka. Iyon lang kasi ang naisip kong paraan para hindi na tayo mahirapan ipaliwanag ang malabong litrato nating dalawa. Binulong mong hindi. Binulong mong huwag kong gagawin yun. Binulong mong mas ok kung hindi tayo mawawalan ng komunikasyon sa isa’t isa habang gumigilid ang luha sa iyong kaliwang mata.

Sabi ko kahit hindi tayo dumating sa isang romantikong relasyon, basta hindi natin babasagin ang manipis na salaming naghihiwalay sa atin, upang hindi tayo malayo sa paningin ng isa’t isa. Basta huwag.

Matagal na pala iyon. ‘Ni hindi ko na sigurado kung ito nga ba ang tunay na nangyari.

Naalala ko pa noong isang pasko, nang una kitang pinuntahan sa bahay niyo. Bitbit ang isang mangkok ng haleang ubeng gawa ng nanay ko at isang kahong brownies, kinatok ko ang bahay niyo bandang ala-una ng umaga. Nagulat ka noon, sobrang gulat mo siguro tuloy hindi mo na naisipang papasukin ako sa loob. Umuwi na lang akong nakangiti.

Simula noon bawal nang hindi tayo magkausap sa telepono o sa text man lang. Hanggang sa pag-akyat ko ng bundok hindi kita maiwasang tawagan. Nakabantay kasi ang buwan sa ating dalawa. Pareho niya tayong inaakit tuwing namimilog siya sa langit ng ating mga bintana.

“Sana ‘andito ka. Sana kasama kita dito. Malamig pero anlapit ko sa buwan. Naaalala kita. Sana andito ka.”

Kaya’t tuwing nakikita ko ang buwan, nakikita kita. Isang malaking salaming bumubuntot sa ating dalawa san man tayo pumunta, magkasama man o hindi. Magkaaway man o magkabati.

“Balang araw iaakyat kita dito.”

Low bat.

Nakakatawang isipin na ang cellphone na siyang unang nagpalapit sa ating dalawa ang siyang magbibigay tuldok sa lahat. Apat na text messages lang ang aking katapat. Ang magkakasunod na message alert tone ang umagaw ng aking pagkakatulala.

Maraming salita, puro Inggles. Puro paliwanag, puro lohika at rasyunal. Isang Hallmark Card na hindi tungkol sa pag-ibig.

Madalas tayong magdebate sa buhay, lalo na sa dalawang unibersidad na napasukan natin. Noong minsang isinama mo ako sa Katips ay nanlumo ako sa estado ng kabataan doon. Parang pekeng Pilipinas, sabi ko sa sarili. Madalas ko kasing punahin ang estado ng mga estudyante doon, lalo na ng mga apatetikong mga tao sa lipunan.

Marami tayong napagkukuwentuhan at napagmumuni-munihan. Tungkol sa mga aktibo at pasibo, sa mga masa at mga konyito’t konyita. Tungkol sa isang mundong puro baluktot at iilang matuwid. Tungkol sa pinagkaiba ng mga Isko at ng mga Arneyan. Tungkol sa isang bansang mayroong dalawang mukha. Siguro, habang nagpapanting ang tenga nating dalawa sa mahahaba nating diskusyunan sa telepono, text at e-mail, ay tungkol na rin sa pinagkaiba nating dalawa.

Sinuyod ng aking mata ang lcd screen ng 3310 ko. Dahan-dahang iniskrol ang mensahe mong hindi matapos-tapos, hindi matarok ng ulo ko ang mga sinasabi mo. O ayaw ko lang talagang intindihin?

Apat na mensaheng magkakarugtong, iisa lang ang sinasabi:

“I don’t want to do anything with you anymore.” Hanggang sa huli mong binigkas na mga salita ay pinatunayan mong Atenean ka pa rin.

Battery Empty. Katahimikan.

Bumalik ako sa pagkakatulala. Nakita ko nang parating iyon, matagal na. Ang sa akin lang ay nag-iisip na ako ng paraan kung paano pigilan ang pangyayaring iyon noong dumating ang masamang balita. Sana lang ay naunahan kita bago mo ako pinaglaho.

Binasag mo ang salamin sa pagitan nating dalawa, ngunit sa halip na magkadampian ang ating mga balat matapos ang mahabang paghihintay ay tuluyan na tayong nabulagan ng mga bubog nito. Hindi ko na iniwasan ang pagtama ng iyong desisyon sa aking mga mata. Mangyayari din yun balang araw, iyon ang paliwanag ko sa sarili.

At hindi na kita nakita. Dalawang taon na kitang hindi makita. Naka-ilang bundok din akong ginapang sa pag-asang makikita ko ang repleksiyon mo sa sinasamba nating buwan, ngunit tsaka ko lang malalamang maulap ang langit kapag nakarating na ako sa tuktok nito. Sana’y hindi na tayo nagkita sa Ateneo noong nakaraang taon. Sana’y naisama kita sa isang akyat ko maski isang beses man lang.

At ngayon, nakatitig ako sa litrato mong hindi ko maiwasang i-download sa net. ‘Ansarap titigan ng iyong mga matang nangungusap. ‘Ansarap isiping nakilala kita kahapon, nakasama at nakakuwentuhan tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay. ‘Ansarap ng pakiramdam ng muling pagkikita, personal man o hindi, ng dalawang nawawalang kaluluwa dahil ngayon lang kita tunay na napagmamasdan. Matapos ang tatlong taon ay ngayon lang kita tunay na naiintindihan.

Mas maganda ka ngayon, katulad ng buwan.

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Para sa isang minamahal kong kaibigan na minsa’y nawala ngunit ngayo’y natagpuan.

Credits from _sQuid of peyups

Autopsy on a Spoiled Girlfriend

No cracks, no fractures, no missing bones whatsoever.

Taxi cabs were her favorite way to go around the city. The boyfriend would open the car door for her and assist her while getting off the vehicle. She would take his offered hand like a princess getting off a lovely carriage. She would tell his boyfriend, “That’s what boyfriends are for.” Her boyfriend would nod in approval, kiss her on her forehead and smile. Her every step was watched. Her boyfriend is her safety scout. Sweet.

“If you don’t take care of me, I’ll break up with you.”

No pulled, strained muscles.

She did not suffer from any forms of fatigue. Her life was a bliss. No need to rush to a convenient store to grab a midnight snack. Her boyfriend would offer his phone and she would call the delivery hotline. And on those days when it was not possible to have the food delivered, he would buy it himself, not minding the time nor the weather. No need to go to a spa to relax. He would light an essence lamp and ask her to lay on her tummy. He would then sooth her tired muscles using his bare hands. He was not really good at this but it pleased her. “That’s what boyfriends are for,” she would think.

“Buy me food, or else I’ll break up with you.”

Perfect condition, from mouth to the intestines.

She was well-fed. Where to eat, what to eat.. it was her choice. Her every craving was satisfied. He would also introduce her to restaurants and plates she had never tried before. She would think it was fantastic. She would gain weight and think that was her boyfriend’s fault. He would smile and tell her that how attractive she still was. Compliments. That’s what boyfriends are for.

“Tell me I’m the prettiest or we’re through.”

Clean lungs. Healthy heart.

There was no way second-hand smoke could have harmed her. He was not a smoker. He lived a healthy life and so did she. He would take her to the country side and she would enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. He had to suspend several business trips so they could go together. Because according to her, that’s what boyfriends are for.

“Let’s go, or I’ll find another boyfriend to take me there.”

No signs of depression.

Hers was a worry-free life. Before she could even detect the problem, he already resolved it for her. She was trained not to care, not to worry about almost everything. Worrying was his job. That’s what boyfriends are for. He would be sick but he would tell her not to worry. He would buy and take his medicines all by himself. She would be sick and he would worry to death. A simple migraine and he would panic.

“Make the pain go away, or you’ll lose me.”

She was in perfect health the night he left her and yet she was found dead the following morning.

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Credits from skrew you of peyups