Of Rain and Memories..

My exhausted body has been lying on the bed for almost an hour now but sleep seems to elude it. The darkness that envelops the entirety of the room, whose sole purpose is to act as a come on for that elusive spirit doesn’t quite seem to help. Counting sheep doesn’t help either. I heave a deep breath and tightly hug my pillow in sheer desperation. I remain still in that position for a few minutes till I hear a familiar sound playing on the rooftops– rain!

All of a sudden, I feel ecstatic. I have always been fascinated with rain and I have been wishing for summer to be cut short to make way for the rainy days. And now that silent wish has been granted! I cuddle my pillow more tightly as I intently listen to the soothing music composed by the dancing raindrops. It never dawned upon me that such act would take me to a train of memories. Memories, which I thought I have long safely buried at the deepest part of my heart.

It was raining cats and dogs then. I was unfortunately stuck, of all places under a shed, which hardly covered me from nature’s rage. My cellphone had died down which left me virtually isolated to my utter exasperation. But when I craned my neck I realized I wasn’t alone. At the other end of the shed you were there standing. You were dripping wet and your hair was completely disarrayed. You were like the proverbial basang-sisiw so to speak but you were still cute nonetheless. When a strong, cold wind blew past us, I saw you shiver. Without any feeling of diffidence, I approached you and lent you my jacket. You refused it but yet another freezing wind blow made you change your mind.

A few moments later, amidst nature’s seemed-like-endless wrath, we found ourselves comfortably chatting as if it wasn’t the first time. The cerebral but far-from-being-serious conversation and our frequent giggling made me forget that we were jammed in this poor place that now looked like an island and that I was so desperately wanting to go home. The soothing sound of your voice and your contagious laughter blending with the swooshing of the wind made me silently wish that nature would continue to unleash her temper so I could hear more of your laughter. But she didn’t connive with me for after a while the rain stopped and the wind pacified to my dismay. My disappointment was aggravated when out of nowhere, an unoccupied cab passed by and you hailed it right away. I was itching to ask for your number but how could I? My cellphone was perfectly inutile and I didn’t have a pen with me and worst of all, I sucked at remembering phone numbers. But my face completely lit up when you asked for mine. I tried hard not to stutter in surprise as I recited my number.

The following morning, I received a text message from you asking me to see you so that you could give me back my jacket. I acceded. That meeting became the first of the many meetings. It wasn’t long before I felt I was falling for you. I tried to conceal it every time we were together but the feeling was just too strong to contain. So the next meeting, I summoned all the courage and finally spilled the beans. To my utter astonishment, you reciprocated it. I couldn’t believe it at first and I thought everything was just a dream but there you were, in front or me, in flesh, smiling.

More frequent meetings, marathon phone conversations, endless exchange of text messages and sweet nothings followed. I was the happiest every time were together. We were inseparable and we were so much in love. Or so I thought.

One day, you just disappeared without a word. I tried to reach you—phone, SMS, chat, email or what-have-you—but to no avail. The days became weeks but still I waited every single day for you to come back and tell me what happened and hoped that everything would be all right. I tried to keep the candle of hope burning but it soon faded out. And still there was no you.

My good friend told me I should not let my world stop because of that. I should move on and live life anew. But how? I didn’t know where to start picking up the pieces again because I didn’t know where I left off. I tried hard to leave the past behind and just let time heal my severely damaged heart but even the littlest of luck seemed to have abandoned me when I needed it most. In spite of what you did to me, I still couldn’t forget you.

Oftentimes, I would still find myself staring at nothingness, thinking of what could be stopping me from finally getting over you. Could it be because all this time, I never ceased to love you? Or could it be because I felt insulted and I was just waiting for you to come back so that I could unleash my anger in your face?

For Pete’s sake, you could have at least told me that you wanted me out of your damn life. I would have understood and we could have separated with no bad blood in our veins. You could have called it quits and I would have readily set you free. But you didn’t. You opted to make me look utterly stupid by making me hang on to a love I didn’t know had long died.

I had the right to know, but you deprived me of it. This only proved that you never really loved me in the first place. You just fooled me into believing that you did. And if you thought that I would think that you leaving me without a word was an act of love, because you spared me the painful truth, think again. I honestly thought that it was a perfect execution of sheer cowardice, of downright spinelessness, of absolute selfishness.

I know now that I no longer love you. The hatred and bitterness in my heart have definitely washed away whatever feelings I have for you. You had all the chances in the world but you never dared to take any. You never called it quits and you made a big fool out of me.

The rain has stopped. So has the beating of my heart for you. And I’m going to sleep now.

Credits from seminarista of peyups

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