a story of unknown love (excerpt from a journal)

(As I was scanning the threads from a forum, I found this short story.. I was somehow curious of what the story was all about.. And so I ended up reading the story.. ^_^ Anyways, I just wanna post it here ‘coz for some reason, I kinda felt the sentiment of the one who wrote the story..)

 

“I can’t oust him in my thoughts no matter how I tried. But I oftentimes end at the peak of the plight, thinking and still having him in my most precious thoughts. And to surrender hopelessly is the most effective way to at least have, even just a short nap, in times of unfathomable sleepless nights. He has wholly occupied every inch of my mind and perhaps, even the wholeness of my being.

 

I know, I have no right to be like this; to be someone whom as if doesn’t see the impenetrable line that separates me from him. That’s why I have to be strong all the time and pretend that I can still paint a wide smile even if I’d like to walk away. I’m still trying to make this thing easy for me, but why there are some who cannot understand? And those you expect to understand you were the ones who cannot. And perhaps, they’ll never will…

 

I know that I have to get over him, but how can I? I could hardly be myself whenever he’s around from which I often end in my most clumsy acts. And staring him behind his back can console my forlorn heart. But all I can do is to keep this within me, because people will never understand how and what I feel, as much as he’ll never will…

 

What ties them to be together is something unshakable. I know that it is strong enough, strong enough to silent me from afar. And this causes me to sigh, every time I see the proof of happiness in his face. It somehow consoles me learning that he has found happiness. But I am not hypocrite enough to deny that at the same time it saddens me.

 

It’s been three years, since the first time I saw him. But I am foolish enough to treasure him, a fool enough to keep him in my thoughts. But the funny thing is I never ever had the chance to talk to him, to at least be a friend of him. Perhaps, he doesn’t know me and maybe doesn’t have the interest to know me. Yes, I know these excruciating facts because I am aware of the reality, the tormenting reality of him

 

I said, ‘this man is good, perhaps he’s great. I can see it ’cause i have felt it…” This was the first thing i said about him. If only and only didn’t let myself be succumbed in cowardness…

 

I remember the first time I saw him. I often see him around this corridor, with this wide smile that paused my feet from walk for a couple of seconds. What only moved me back from my action was his stare. His eyes, it made me smile. It soothed me from exhaustion and it was his enchanting eyes that pushed me. Pushed me to know him, to admire him and perhaps, to love him from afar. I tried to learn everything about him, but he remained anonymous to me for a long time. But heaven was good enough to answer my long time prayer, to get near him. I tried to learn everything about him, things that would tell me who was really this guy. But I woke up one day, realizing that he’s already a part of me…

 

But all these time, I never had the chance to talk to him; to stand in front of him so that he can hear me, hear my voice. Sometimes, I feel like that it was my fault, my choice to be silent, to keep myself away from him. Because I know that rejection is just around and ready to succumb me.

 

But, now that I want to break the silence, it was already too late. Because I have no more rights to keep him within me from afar now that he’s already with someone. Perhaps, I didn’t have the right at all, from the very first beginning….

 

Time will come that I will get over this. I am hurt. My pride was busted, my mind was derailed. But, I know that this pain will keep me to be strong again, and can revive myself from a fall. Loving him brought enormous good things in me. It inspires me to write, to smile, to laugh and most of all to live. In contrary, I once cried, it once saddened me and it caused me a couple of sleepless and tormenting nights.

 

One year is what already left for me. The grains from the hourglass will soon be empty, as the clock ticks in haste. I have to strong, and try to be someone who knows where to path life, to reach my quintessential dreams. I know that to be with him is a part of that dream, and I know that time will certainly come from which I have to wake up and face the reality.

 

For now, I have to savor his presence around; because he already became a part of me, and I can’t deny it. Now, appreciation from him would definitely move me, and would definitely pat my shoulder to wake up from a beautiful dream, and that will somehow console my heart from having a couple of tormented and sleepless nights….

 

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It is indeed that “in contrast to his greatness, I always end up in blankness…”

 

– a letter from an unrequited love, poem….”

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